what happened?

i realize that the more time you spend on dwelling on a guy, the more you're telling yourself that your own needs are not that important.

but let me tell you... the self-esteem takes an enornomous blow when you get to a point where you actually have to say out loud, "Um. I hate to ask this, but can we have sex sometime today?" i've realized that i'm actually ASKING for sex.

what the hell happened?

what happened to the fireworks? the passion? the kissing until you get soaking wet you're practically dripping down your inner thighs, hands caressing all over with an intense erotic urgency, getting pushed up against a wall or onto a bed, and your clothes can't come off fast enough? do you get reduced to "Um. Can we have sex sometime soon?"

is this what happens to relationships?

we finally had sex after two-week drought. it was terrible. the foreplay was emotionless. the sex was robotic. i ended up throwing in the towel because it just wasn't happening. he was shocked that the sex didn't happen. i can't fake it though. did that for 3 years in a previous relationship, and swore to never do it again.

he was upset.

i told him that maybe i've just gotten used to my vibe to make him feel better.

then he said, "well, this is just another reason why we should have sex again. to negate this one."

i had to laugh. because i realized, i'm not sure if i want to have a go at it again.