be careful what you wish for...

this afternoon, my best guy friend talks about how he feels that within the 3 weeks that decided to chill out from him and I hanging out 24/7... he feels he's slipped into a bit of depression... he feels detached... as if his friendships, especially ours... is slipping away.

so i tell him the truth. i've felt the same way since we decided to take our "break." i tell him that i feel like he's the one that's slipping away - and that i feel like i've had no choice but to move on. he gets really very quiet. i ask him if he needs a hug, and he says, voice cracking - "yes." he asks to see me tomorrow. "can't," i say, "i already have plans." "tuesday?" he asks. and i say, "yes, tuesday."

later. i text msg him, " i realize you think your friendships are slipping away. but just so you know, i'm not going anywhere."

damn being a girl...

seriously.

i don't have a boyfriend. i have a best guy friend that i sleep with. i have another friend, one from high school, that i sleep with occasionally - when he's in town. i have an old co-worker that i make out with once we start drinking. i have a long distance friend that i flirt with outrageously that i have no real intention of meeting real life. i have international exes (aus, uk) that call to reminsce, and inadvertedly leads to phone sex.

but it's interesting that we all choose to play this game with each other. the whole "can't-commit" game. makes you wonder why we have no intention of going beyond physical. i know i have reason - both boy me and girl me have reasons for NOT going beyond. it's a mind-boggling, power struggle of both sides.

the boy me? she has no time for commitment. no time to deal with the drama of a commitment. don't want to be smothered. don't want to have to answer to anyone about spending time with my girlfriends. my guy friends. or by myself. she enjoys making out randomly with my guy friends. she loves the possibility of new sex. she loves pushing it to the limit to see how far, how flirtatious she will go - before she pulls the "awww, i gotta get up early in the a.m." card to see the look of total lust, wanting in their eyes - and then gives them one last kiss goodbye.

the girl me? well, she screams to be heard. she checks her best friend's emails, vmails, bed to see if there's anyone else has slept there when she's not there. she gets incredibly jealous when she sees any her boy playmates flirtatious correspondence with other women. she longs to be held at the end of the night. for someone to commit to her and only to her. for someone to think she's the most beautiful woman in the world, and for him to fear the idea of losing her. someone to want me, love me, and want to consume me in a love that is timeless.

the boy me kicks the girl me into reason and submission. the girl me b*tchslaps and shakes the boy me to looking into my heart.

... and the battle rages on.

back from vegas...

... and i'm exhausted.

last night was nuts. we started off at Pure/Caesars Place. Wasn't feelin it. Too much like Pierce Street Annex, only everyone was little more dressed up.

hit Hard Rock Hotel. total madness. men everywhere. it was like alice in c*ckland, there were so many guys.

tally of sat night/sun morning? made out with one groom to be. his friend. and then in the back of an H2 limo, both of them at the same time. then came home from vegas with my best guy friend... and had foreplay, sex, and multiple o's.

it was a lovely weekend.

the beginning of a beautiful friendship...

"drinks and amusements to follow."

read this on an invite once. thought the mere sentence was brilliant.

you're prolly scratching your head and saying, "are you kidding me? it's just a sentence."

but it isn't.

it is the promise that the best is yet to come.