BOOOOOOOOO!

Happy Halloween!!

Horoscope for the day.

"C,
No matter how you try, you can't fully control the object of your love without changing it into something different. This is complicated, for you may have to give up some ownership in order to recreate the romance you desire. If the love is truly real, there is no reason to fear additional freedom. If it's not, then it's time to let go."

One of those days...

The fall is by far, my favorite season. I have no idea why, but it throws me into the mood of reminiscing over past relationships, past experiences, memories… in combination of wanting to stay in bed all day long, snuggling on a cool night with someone…

So I'm at work, trying to not think about how… "pumped" up I am… *wink wink*.. And then I select the "City of Angels" soundtrack - great mix of blues, soul, and mellow rock. Big mistake. LOL.

Stumble upon Paula Cole's "Feelin Love". Forgot what this song does to me, but in my book, this is probably one of the most erotically-charged songs. If not for the lyrics, it would be for her voice and the yearning in her voice.

"You make me feel like a sticky pistil
Leaning into her stamen.
You make me feel like Mr. Sunshine himself.
You make me feel like splendor in the grass where we're rolling
Damn skippy baby
you make me feel like the Amazon's running between my thighs.
You make me feel love
You make me feel like a candy apple all red and horny
You make me feel like I want to be dumb blonde
In a centerfold, the girl next door.
And I would open the door and I'd be all wet

With my tits soaking through this tiny little t-shirt
That I'm wearing and you would open the door
And tie me up to the bed.
You make me feel love
Lover, I don't know who I am
Am I Barry White?
Am I hot inside?
What would I place with your hot conscious
Oh baby babe babe babe
I will be your death the moon light
Take your time
You make me feel love"

my god, take me now...

Forgive me...

I'm a girl. And I'm about to get all girly on this mutha.
I'm having an incredibly bad *fat* day.
Haven't had sex in a week.
Hate my hair. (mostly my bangs)
Must do something about my horrid double-chin, moonface.

To breathe.

Things have changed over the course of the week. Things are much more calmer. There's much more laughter in the air.

After writing the earlier blogs of anger and resentment, we talked about him and I. I've always been one to face something head-on, rather than just sulk it away - so we talked about it. Cleared the air, even.

We talked about how the strain of everyday… whether it be being together, working together… things just weren't fun anymore. We needed to take the pressure off and just breathe some new life into the meaning of "us" - to revisit our friendship, the "dating" phase, and in time, it would lead us back to sex, which was such a strained issue before...

And, we really did.

Wednesday was a great date night with my sister and her fiancée, ending with a kiss at the front door. Friday was a great night at my house for one of my roommate's boyfriend's birthday, more kisses. Saturday was a wonderful day. Spent the day out with his friends - his daughter had just turned 1 - and it was an all-day family affair. Lots of hugs, lots of kisses, lots of laughter and smiles all day long. Hung out at night with a friend I hadn't seen in awhile; he did the same. It was just a great day. Sunday, hung out with friends in the morning, and then off to his place for our usual, but incredibly comforting routine.

It was nice getting us back to what we have always been, extraordinary friends with tremendous adoration for each other. It's almost as if we forgot what we had - with the pressures of the everyday. We had to relearn how to just to enjoy each other's company.

And sure enough, it worked… it led us back … last night. ;)

A meaningful message written by George Carlin

"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.

A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

For the new reader...

… who don't quite get what the title of my blog means...

"drinks and amusements to follow."

read this on an invite once. thought the mere sentence was brilliant.

you're prolly scratching your head and saying, "are you kidding me? it's just a sentence."

but it isn't.

it is the promise that the best is yet to come.

tired of being angry.

So, if you talked in me in real life, you know I've been sleepless for almost a week now. I've definitely had a lot on my mind - even if I haven't really discussed it... but after another sleepless night... I think I've hit a point of clarity. Or deliria.

I'm tired of being angry. But with that, I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being frustrated and hurt. I'm tired of being upset. I'm tired of all the lies and deceit. I'm sick of having to play by someone's rules in order to be with them. I'm tired of a relationship with too many strings and in actuality, it's not a real relationship when really, it just benefits someone else and that person isn't me. The only casuality of ending this relationship is not having sex anymore - but it's been complete crap that last couple of times, I'm not going to miss having the lousy sex. Besides, I'm not the only woman he's sleeping with, (which I was reminded of on Friday), no one loses with me ending this relationship.

Slowly, things have changed. Everything happens for a reason, but I think I would reason the instinctive actions in my heart to get it to understand. But I'm tired of it all, and I'm just going to take care of me from now on.

heart-breaking.

i'm starting to think that i'm at the beginning to an end.

the times i've told c that i want our relationship to end, in order to save our friendship - i get hit with tremendous protest and lots of talks over and over to work things out. i love him so, but i don't know if i can keep going through this cycle. and now that the sex has gone to complete sh*t, really - what is the difference between friendship and a relationship w/o sex.

i think i should just start to step back, fade away. i know it's something that can't happen overnight, because he is my best friend. but in awhile, i feel like this is the only way i can keep my heart from breaking to pieces.

i don't know if i'm just getting out before i get really hurt, or if i should stay and run the risk.

i guess i need something, something i can truly believe in - a sign, a ray of hope, anything - to keep my hope alive.

Funk

I've concluded I'm in a funk.
Yesterday, one of my bosses throws me under the bus to cover another boss' a**. I confront her, and she tells me - "that we have to protect her…". Bullsh*t! At my expense? You must be joking! I then go outside with my friends to go to lunch, and I'm told that my car, parked in FRONT of work, was hit by another car - and the driver took off. I concluded today is going to be yet another sucky day, get into my friend's car and look down, and I've broken a nail. On top of 5 days of no sleep, I was a raging b*tch.

I come home, trying to make plans for dinner… and no one's answering their phones! ARGGGGGGGGGGGH! To let off steam, I decide to vibe it out. I CAN'T EVEN MAKE MYSELF CUM, G*DDAMNIT! OMG!! I can't even get that done!!

C shows up to pick me up for dinner with my sister and her fiance. I go to call her, and I realize my phone has NO signal. We end up having a great time with them. We laughed a lot - which hasn't been working in our favor lately. Good food, good friends - made the whole day much better.

We drive home. It's past 10, C says he's not going to come in - he's going to head home to bed. But then, out of the ordinary - he gets out of the car as I'm getting out. I ask him what he's doing and he says, "Walking you to the door to say goodnight." And I laugh, because it dawns on me, that he's never done it. Not because he didn't want to, but we've never had a situation where he was saying goodnight to me on my porch. He takes me in his arms, and really kisses me. Like, I get that old familiar feeling - despite the bad sex, arguments, lack of sleep - and all I can say is, "Wow. That's how you kiss at the end of a date? No wonder the girls always call you back for another." He says, "Oh shuuudup." and smiles. I smile back.

We're making progress. I still have some hope. I know I do. I finally slept last night.
And it was lovely.

What's with "I don't date Latina women. Too much hassle."

YET…

Stephanie Martinez
Elizabeth Martinez
Dawn Rivas

There's a pattern if I ever saw one.

what happened?

i realize that the more time you spend on dwelling on a guy, the more you're telling yourself that your own needs are not that important.

but let me tell you... the self-esteem takes an enornomous blow when you get to a point where you actually have to say out loud, "Um. I hate to ask this, but can we have sex sometime today?" i've realized that i'm actually ASKING for sex.

what the hell happened?

what happened to the fireworks? the passion? the kissing until you get soaking wet you're practically dripping down your inner thighs, hands caressing all over with an intense erotic urgency, getting pushed up against a wall or onto a bed, and your clothes can't come off fast enough? do you get reduced to "Um. Can we have sex sometime soon?"

is this what happens to relationships?

we finally had sex after two-week drought. it was terrible. the foreplay was emotionless. the sex was robotic. i ended up throwing in the towel because it just wasn't happening. he was shocked that the sex didn't happen. i can't fake it though. did that for 3 years in a previous relationship, and swore to never do it again.

he was upset.

i told him that maybe i've just gotten used to my vibe to make him feel better.

then he said, "well, this is just another reason why we should have sex again. to negate this one."

i had to laugh. because i realized, i'm not sure if i want to have a go at it again.

Sex

(It's been awhile… and I promise to write something of significance later.)
But I have to vent somewhere. Before I go insane.
I am so incredibly horny right now. It's pathetic. I haven't had sex since last Monday.
I'm going to break out the toys as soon as I get home from work goddamnit.
*AAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH*