happily ever after? really?

today, my baby sister got engaged. YEY!!! after 15 years of going out with him, 2 breakups, and moving into their own home just this past year, he finally proposed.

i'm so happy for her. it's about time. i mean really, we were all beginning to wonder why he hadn't popped the question. i couldn't believe it. she was going to get married.

and then it hit me - she found her one. she found the someone that she wants to be with for the rest of her life, and he loves her so much - that he asked her to be a part of his. it was a surreal mix of happiness, and sadness all at the same time. so happy that they found each other, and pure saddness that I wonder if he's out there for me too.

as i lay in bed with my best guy friend, i break down into tears about how i feel. he thinks what we have is pretty great. that we have plans for the future. that we plan on being in each others' lives for as long as we live. that we love each other - just as much as we did when we first met.

but we're in different circumstances, remember? he just finalized his divorce from a bad marriage. i want to have someone to love and adore me forever, but scared to death about getting that feeling of being stuck in someone else's cage.

is it possible that cyncism is slowly eating away at my hope?

that i'm beginning to not believe the whole "happily ever after."

that kiss.

"That thing. That moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person. And you realize that that person is the only person you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift, and you wanna laugh, and you wanna cry... 'cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that it'll go away all at the same time."

mr. big

I told him that the only thing that changes is the sex. our friendship will still be in tact. and that I don't love him any less. and i will still be affectionate. just no more sex, the possibilities or the idea of sex.

I just said it's not fair. to have him half way. and that everytime i meet someone, someone I can possibly have a relationship with - i do the same thing everytime - I compare them to him. always. when things are good with another person, when things are bad with another person - i always compare them to him. It's always been him.

he's my mr. big.

*sad*

Even though I don't know if I really want a relationship or not, I'm not happy with C and the possibilities of him sleeping with other women. I know he's talking to other women, and nothing's really come of it - or so he says - but it is really bothering me that we haven't had sex in three weeks.

So I told him, that we should just be friends, even if for right now. I told him because I hate wondering if he's sleeping with other girls, and that's why he's not sleeping with me. Or if I'm bad in bed. Or if I'm not attractive enough to sleep with. Or if he just really doesn't sleep with me. I don't like having to coerce someone to sleep with me. I want someone to want to sleep with me. I joked with him this a.m. while we were cuddling, "Thanks for yesterday, it was really nice to see you - despite all this g-rated snuggling." He laughed and said, "G-rated? Here, I can make it x-rated." and pulled down his pants. So I looked at him and said, "That's all I get?" And he said, "Sure, hop on." And I smacked him and said, "Whatever. I have to do everything." And he just laughed. That's when it hit me - I have to do it all.. and I'm tired of it. I think that's why I liked sleeping with Dan, because he has the throw down. But even he doesn't pan out. Chris and I have become just affectionate friends - we're not even friends with benefits.

C isn't handling the news very well. He was like, "You are #1 in my life." And I said, "This takes the sex edge off, C. Now every time we hang out, I won't be hoping we get to sleep together - and not - and then getting let down. The pressure is off."

I am gloomy.
Like the weather.

i finally did it.

i ended it.

it's done.

my heart hurts.

secrets to a happy relationship?

so. i think that kate hudson, as adorable as she may be, was overrated.

but her comments in a recent interview have struck a cord.

she's been happily married (or at least it is perceived that way) to chris robinson for the past 5 years. but she says she is indeed a modern woman, and understands that monogmy is ideal, just not practical.

her solution? she tells her husband, "just don't get caught."

modern-day marriage, ya think?

My response to the disgruntled reader...

...who called me an "asian whore."

I can only reply in those famous words from the illustrious Greg Behrendt...

"You don't know the magic I'm bringing..."

(check his sweet a** out... http://www.gregbehrendt.com)

ha! I can blog from work...

oh happy day. :)

test

I've been meaning to throw this on here...

"Eventually we come to the point where we either trust implicitly or doubt compulsively. If we do not trust, we will find more and more reasons to fear, and if we trust, we shall confirm our vision of safety."

Truth?

I fear I will live a life of doubting compulsively.

my, how things have changed.

i haven't been around in awhile.

here's an update:

• cut the 22-year old lose. he was just a makeout buddy. but the kisses didn't have enough throwdown to make me want to have sex. so, i'm doing the whole "can we just go back to being friends?" thing with him.
• still hanging my high school buddy but it's more of a friends with benefits sort of situation. fine by me, he doesn't even live here - just happens to commute between states, so it works out nicely.
• still hanging out with my guy best friend. yes, we're still sleeping together. yes, we've been hanging out more than usual and things have been great. Now, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

talk about jaded.