Drinks & Amusements to follow.

aloooooooha!

2009-09-09T10:55:00.001-07:00

so, i lied.

i wasn't really back april 5, 2009. i was still processing the idea of getting laid off from DLR.

i was more confused. frustrated. alone. seriously.

but, i'm back now, i promise. if anything, weekly... daily, just isn't going to happen people. i need to be a realist. LOL.

but i do "tweet" and "tumblr" if anyone's interested...

it's been a long time.

2009-04-05T19:24:00.000-07:00

but i'm back. :)

My sweet little baby girl, Mascara. You were loved.

2007-08-21T14:03:00.000-07:00

This past Friday, Chris and I had to put down our other dog, Mascara. She was losing her battle with cancer, and ultimately we knew it was time to say goodbye. She had become a shadow of her former self, and it was heartbreaking to watch. Our weekend was overwhelming - with emptiness, with grief - but we were comforted by lots of well-wishes, and love from friends and other Corgi parents we had come to know.

I have to say though... My "mom-in-law" just sent this email and the once again, I've been reduced to a weepy mess.

How true... From a dog lover.....

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for the four-year old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker' s family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on.

Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.

Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me.I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life - - like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" The four year old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."

a lovely insight into the afterlife.

2007-08-09T12:38:00.001-07:00

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”

~Inuit legend

Sometimes you just need to hear a good story to get you through your day...

2007-07-20T09:53:00.000-07:00

Taken from Justin Rudd's Dog-E-News weekly newsletter -

"THE POSTAL SERVICE NO ONE HEARS ABOUT"

Our 14-year-old dog Abbey died last month. The day after she died, my 4-year-old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. She dictated and I wrote: "Dear God: Will you please take special care of our dog Abbey? She died yesterday and is in heaven. We miss her very much. We are happy that you let us have her as our dog even though she got sick. I hope that you will play with her. She liked to play with balls and swim before she got sick. I am sending some pictures of her so that when you see her in heaven you will know she is our special dog. But I really do miss her. Love, Meredith Claire PS Mommy wrote the words after I told them to her." We put that in an envelope with two pictures of Abbey, and addressed it to God in Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith stuck some stamps on the front (because, as she said, it may take lots of stamps to get a letter all the way to heaven) and that afternoon I let her drop it into the letter box at the post office. For a few days, she would ask if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had. Yesterday there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch. Curious, I went to look at it. It had a gold star card on the front and said "To Meredith" in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith took it in and opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers, "When a Pet Dies." Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God, in its opened envelope (which was marked Return to Sender: Insufficient address). On the opposite page, one of the pictures of Abbey was taped under the words "For Meredith" We turned to the back cover, and there was the other picture of Abbey, and this handwritten note on pink paper: "Dear Meredith, I know that you will be happy to know that Abbey arrived safely and soundly in Heaven! Having the pictures you sent to me was such a big help. I recognized Abbey right away. You know, Meredith, she isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me--just like she stays in your heart--young and running and playing. Abbey loved being your dog, you know. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets!-- so I can't keep your beautiful letter. I am sending it to you with the pictures so that you will have this book to keep and remember Abbey. One of my angels is taking care of this for me. I hope the little book helps. Thank you for the beautiful letter. Thank your mother for sending it. What a wonderful mother you have! I picked her especially for you. I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I am in heaven but wherever there is love, I am there also. Love, God and the special angel who wrote this after God told her the words." As a parent and a pet lover, this is one of the kindest things that I've ever experienced. I have no way to know who sent it, but there is some very kind soul working in the dead letter office. Just wanted to share this act of compassion.

For more about Justin Rudd, you can find him here at: http://www.justinrudd.com

oh the randomness of it all...

2007-07-18T13:18:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

taurus

christine, A person who has been irritating you lately will finally disappear from the scene. This makes things go a little more smoothly. A chance to catch up is coming, so there is no need to hurry.

fight or flight?

2007-07-03T09:11:00.000-07:00

What is the "fight or flight response?"
-This fundamental physiologic response forms the foundation of modern day stress medicine. The "fight or flight response" is our body's primitive, automatic, inborn response that prepares the body to "fight" or "flee" from perceived attack, harm or threat to our survival.

What happens to us when we are under excessive stress?
-When we experience excessive stress—whether from internal worry or external circumstance—a bodily reaction is triggered, called the "fight or flight" response. Originally discovered by the great Harvard physiologist Walter Cannon, this response is hard-wired into our brains and represents a genetic wisdom designed to protect us from bodily harm. This response actually corresponds to an area of our brain called the hypothalamus, which—when stimulated—initiates a sequence of nerve cell firing and chemical release that prepares our body for running or fighting.

What are the signs that our fight or flight response has been stimulated (activated)?
-When our fight or flight response is activated, sequences of nerve cell firing occur and chemicals like adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol are released into our bloodstream. These patterns of nerve cell firing and chemical release cause our body to undergo a series of very dramatic changes. Our respiratory rate increases. Blood is shunted away from our digestive tract and directed into our muscles and limbs, which require extra energy and fuel for running and fighting. Our pupils dilate. Our awareness intensifies. Our sight sharpens. Our impulses quicken. Our perception of pain diminishes. Our immune system mobilizes with increased activation. We become prepared—physically and psychologically—for fight or flight. We scan and search our environment, "looking for the enemy."

When our fight or flight system is activated, we tend to perceive everything in our environment as a possible threat to our survival. By its very nature, the fight or flight system bypasses our rational mind—where our more well thought out beliefs exist—and moves us into "attack" mode. This state of alert causes us to perceive almost everything in our world as a possible threat to our survival. As such, we tend to see everyone and everything as a possible enemy. Like airport security during a terrorist threat, we are on the look out for every possible danger. We may overreact to the slightest comment. Our fear is exaggerated. Our thinking is distorted. We see everything through the filter of possible danger. We narrow our focus to those things that can harm us. Fear becomes the lens through which we see the world.

We can begin to see how it is almost impossible to cultivate positive attitudes and beliefs when we are stuck in survival mode. Our heart is not open. Our rational mind is disengaged. Our consciousness is focused on fear, not love. Making clear choices and recognizing the consequences of those choices is unfeasible. We are focused on short-term survival, not the long-term consequences of our beliefs and choices. When we are overwhelmed with excessive stress, our life becomes a series of short-term emergencies. We lose the ability to relax and enjoy the moment. We live from crisis to crisis, with no relief in sight. Burnout is inevitable. This burnout is what usually provides the motivation to change our lives for the better. We are propelled to step back and look at the big picture of our lives—forcing us to examine our beliefs, our values and our goals.

What is our fight or flight system designed to protect us from?
-Our fight or flight response is designed to protect us from the proverbial saber tooth tigers that once lurked in the woods and fields around us, threatening our physical survival. At times when our actual physical survival is threatened, there is no greater response to have on our side. When activated, the fight or flight response causes a surge of adrenaline and other stress hormones to pump through our body. This surge is the force responsible for mothers lifting cars off their trapped children and for firemen heroically running into blazing houses to save endangered victims. The surge of adrenaline imbues us with heroism and courage at times when we are called upon to protect and defend the lives and values we cherish.

What are the saber tooth tigers of today and why are they so dangerous?
-When we face very real dangers to our physical survival, the fight or flight response is invaluable. Today, however, most of the saber tooth tigers we encounter are not a threat to our physical survival. Today’s saber tooth tigers consist of rush hour traffic, missing a deadline, bouncing a check or having an argument with our boss or spouse. Nonetheless, these modern day, saber tooth tigers trigger the activation of our fight or flight system as if our physical survival was threatened. On a daily basis, toxic stress hormones flow into our bodies for events that pose no real threat to our physical survival.

Once it has been triggered, what is the natural conclusion of our fight or flight response?
-By its very design, the fight or flight response leads us to fight or to flee—both creating immense amounts of muscle movement and physical exertion. This physical activity effectively metabolizes the stress hormones released as a result of the activation of our fight or flight response. Once the fighting is over, and the threat—which triggered the response—has been eliminated, our body and mind return to a state of calm.

Has the fight or flight response become counterproductive?
-In most cases today, once our fight or flight response is activated, we cannot flee. We cannot fight. We cannot physically run from our perceived threats. When we are faced with modern day, saber tooth tigers, we have to sit in our office and "control ourselves." We have to sit in traffic and "deal with it." We have to wait until the bank opens to "handle" the bounced check. In short, many of the major stresses today trigger the full activation of our fight or flight response, causing us to become aggressive, hypervigilant and over-reactive. This aggressiveness, over-reactivity and hypervigilance cause us to act or respond in ways that are actually counter-productive to our survival. Consider road rage in Los Angeles and other major cities.

It is counterproductive to punch out the boss (the fight response) when s/he activates our fight or flight response. (Even though it might bring temporary relief to our tension!) It is counterproductive to run away from the boss (the flight response) when s/he activates our fight or flight response. This all leads to a difficult situation in which our automatic, predictable and unconscious fight or flight response causes behavior that can actually be self-defeating and work against our emotional, psychological and spiritual survival.

Is there a cumulative danger from over-activation of our fight or flight response?
-Yes. The evidence is overwhelming that there is a cumulative buildup of stress hormones. If not properly metabolized over time, excessive stress can lead to disorders of our autonomic nervous system (causing headache, irritable bowel syndrome, high blood pressure and the like) and disorders of our hormonal and immune systems (creating susceptibility to infection, chronic fatigue, depression, and autoimmune diseases like rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, and allergies.)
To protect ourselves today, we must consciously pay attention to the signals of fight or flight
To protect ourselves in a world of psychological—rather than physical—danger, we must consciously pay attention to unique signals telling us whether we are actually in fight or flight. Some of us may experience these signals as physical symptoms like tension in our muscles, headache, upset stomach, racing heartbeat, deep sighing or shallow breathing. Others may experience them as emotional or psychological symptoms such as anxiety, poor concentration, depression, hopelessness, frustration, anger, sadness or fear.

Excess stress does not always show up as the "feeling" of being stressed. Many stresses go directly into our physical body and may only be recognized by the physical symptoms we manifest. Two excellent examples of stress induced conditions are "eye twitching" and "teeth-grinding." Conversely, we may "feel" lots of emotional stress in our emotional body and have very few physical symptoms or signs in our body.

By recognizing the symptoms and signs of being in fight or flight, we can begin to take steps to handle the stress overload. There are benefits to being in fight or flight—even when the threat is only psychological rather than physical. For example, in times of emotional jeopardy, the fight or flight response can sharpen our mental acuity, thereby helping us deal decisively with issues, moving us to action. But it can also make us hypervigilant and over-reactive during times when a state of calm awareness is more productive. By learning to recognize the signals of fight or flight activation, we can avoid reacting excessively to events and fears that are not life threatening. In so doing, we can play "emotional judo" with our fight or flight response, "using" its energy to help us rather than harm us. We can borrow the beneficial effects (heightened awareness, mental acuity and the ability to tolerate excess pain) in order to change our emotional environment and deal productively with our fears, thoughts and potential dangers.

What can we do to reduce our stress and turn down the activity of our fight or flight response?
-The fight or flight response represents a genetically hard-wired early warning system—designed to alert us to external environmental threats that pose a danger to our physical survival. Because survival is the supreme goal, the system is highly sensitive, set to register extremely minute levels of potential danger. As such, the fight or flight response not only warns us of real external danger but also of the mere perception of danger. This understanding gives us two powerful tools for reducing our stress. They are:

1) Changing our external environment (our "reality"). This includes any action we take that helps make the environment we live in safer. Physical safety means getting out of toxic, noisy or hostile environments. Emotional safety means surrounding ourselves with friends and people who genuinely care for us, learning better communication skills, time management skills, getting out of toxic jobs and hurtful relationships. Spiritual safety means creating a life surrounded with a sense of purpose, a relationship with a higher power and a resolve to release deeply held feelings of shame, worthlessness and excessive guilt.

2) Changing our perceptions of reality. This includes any technique whereby we seek to change our mental perspectives, our attitudes, our beliefs and our emotional reactions to the events that happen to us. Many of these techniques are discussed in depth in Section 3 and they include: cognitive restructuring, voice dialogue therapy, inner child work, learning not to take things personally, affirmations and self-parenting. Changing our perceptions of reality is best illustrated by the proverbial saying, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Without actually changing our reality, we can altered our perception of reality—viewing the difficulties of life as events that make us stronger and more loving. In the Buddhist tradition, this is referred to as developing a "supple mind."

Physical exercise can also turn down the activity of an overactive fight or flight response
Perhaps the simplest, best way to turn down the activity of our fight or flight response is by physical exercise. Remember that the natural conclusion of fight or flight is vigorous physical activity. When we exercise, we metabolize excessive stress hormones—restoring our body and mind to a calmer, more relaxed state.

For the purpose of stress reduction and counteracting the fight or flight response, we do not need to exercise for 30 to 40 minutes. Any form of activity where we "work up a sweat" for five minutes will effectively metabolize off—and prevent the excessive buildup of—stress hormones. Get down and do 50 pushups, 50 sit-ups, jumping jacks, jump rope, run in place, run up and down the stairs, whatever. By exercising to the point of sweating, we effectively counteract the ill effects of the fight of flight response, drawing it to its natural conclusion.

Exercise increases our natural endorphins, which help us to feel better. When we feel good, our thoughts are clearer, our positive beliefs are more accessible and our perceptions are more open. When we feel tired and physically run down, we tend to focus on what’s not working in our lives—similar to a cranky child needing a nap. It is difficult to be, feel or think positive when we are exhausted, sleep deprived or physically out of condition.

What is mind chatter?
-If we could read the owners manual for the mind, we would find a full chapter on what is called "mind chatter." Mind chatter is the endless, restless stream of incomplete thoughts, anxieties and self-talk which constantly pulses through our minds. In order to survive, our mind is always "on"—searching for possible threats, dangers, solutions and explanations. This is called our "strategic mind." The strategic mind is always "on"—scanning both our inner and outer world for possible threats to our well-being—either real or imagined. This constant vigilance of the mind not only distracts us with excessive worry but can also trigger the activation of our fight or flight response.

Sometimes, because of the mind’s incessant chatter and worry, we even begin to anticipate dangers or threats that don’t really exist. This is what the soulful and gentle author Joan Borysenko, Ph.D. (Minding The Body, Mending The Mind) refers to as becoming an "advanced worrier." This condition is described brilliantly by Mark Twain who said "I’ve experienced many terrible things in my life, a few of which actually happened." Zig Ziglar, the great motivational speaker, says "Worry is a misuse of the imagination."

Underneath all the mind chatter and fight or flight anxiety lies a quiet place called our "inner voice", the "observer" or the "witness." The "inner voice" is what Walter Cannon, M.D., calls "the wisdom of the body." This quiet place allows us to move beyond our fears, beyond our anxieties and beyond our strategic mind—into a clearer understanding and knowing of what is true and loving. As we will soon discuss, a quiet mind calms our overactive physiology, creating a sequence of physiologic and biochemical changes that improve our physical health.

by Neil F. Neimark

...

2007-07-02T16:49:00.000-07:00

corey hart's song, "never surrender", is playing in the background.

my eyelids are still heavy from the erratic sleep.

my stomach still hurts but lacks appetite.

and my heart, despite all the conversations, is still a little broken.

i hurt.

holy cow.

2007-06-20T16:13:00.000-07:00

...talk about angry girl.

Monday was a BIG angry day for me. Everything's been good since. :)

Thank God today is Wednesday.

today is the day i want everyone to leave me ALONE!

2007-06-18T12:33:00.000-07:00

I'm done.

And I'm done with alot of other things, too.

I'm done with being the fucking "better" person.

I'm done with people making me feel guilty over shit I can't control.

I'm done with people who get to flake on me, and then call me out when I flake (not on purpose mind you but...) for a purely legitimate reason, and then proceed to treat me like shit because apparently their shit doesn't stink.

I'm done with people not backing me up when I cover their ass all the time.

I'm done being concerned with other people's feelings and all that shit. I'm just taking care of my own because no one else will.

The next person who decides that they want to whine/bitch/guilt me, guess what? you're going to get a very loud, "GO FUCK YOURSELF" because I'm fucking done.

happy 100th post to me!

2007-06-15T16:24:00.001-07:00

The big 100. I shall be celebrating at the Old Ship w/ my girlfriends!

Just kidding, I'm not really going there just because it's my 100th post. But like I really need an excuse to get down with scotch eggs, bangers & mash, and sticky toffee pudding... all washed down with ice cold Bass ale.

delicious.

Why Jamie Lee Curtis is One of My New Heroes

2007-06-11T14:55:00.000-07:00

"MOM, IT'S NOT RIGHT" by Jamie Lee Curtis

As the denouement of a really upsetting celebrity scandal came to its close, a tearful child pleaded to her mother... "Mom, it's not right."

It was a painful episode to watch. A young woman, begging her mother, the person who should have taught her right from wrong, to help her, to teach her the rules of life. It was a little too late. And so she wept as the Universe was bringing the teaching and settling the score.

I'm in no glass house. I understand only too well the pitfalls of maternal amnesia and denial. I am not throwing stones but merely a lifesaver, a buoy of sanity and understanding.

"My analyst told me, that I was right out of my head," Joni Mitchell sang in the song "Twisted." I was twisted. I am twisted. I am deluded that my attempts at being liked and loved by my children and friends with them -- all at the same time -- were going to result in "well raised children." We were the generation that would take the job of raising our children and turn it into... PARENTING. We were the generation who applauded every move they made. Every step they took. "Good climbing, Brandon" was our hue and cry. We were raised by people who didn't "understand" us and now we don't "understand" why our children are so messed up.

It is a national epidemic. Omnipotent children running amok or sitting amok as they watch TV and play electronic games and shop on eBay.

The sad paths of the three most popular young women -- privileged but from varying backgrounds, talented, beautiful and spectacular -- have ended in prison, rehab and mental illness. I hope their mothers are worried sick and wondering, "What could I have done differently?" And our culture should be asking the same question too.

What we need to do is look long and hard at our part in all this. Where did our children get the message that the rules don't apply to them? And where did we, the Mothers, get the message that if we abdicate our responsibilities as Mothers, the Universe will do our job for us? And it does, but without any of the love and tenderness and compassion that we could have given, along with the lessons.

Now it's just the cold hard facts of a jail cell or the emptiness of a rehab room.

I'm not pointing fingers. I'm asking questions.

Can we take the wrenching sight of Paris asking her mother, "why?" and ask it of ourselves?

My analyst told me this: "Children are paparazzi. They take your picture mentally when you don't want them to, when you don't look good, and show it back to you in their behavior."

Let's hope that we all learn what is RIGHT and what is so WRONG.

Wake up, Mothers and smell the denial.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jamie-lee-curtis/mom-its-not-right_b_51507.html

recap of the weekend.

2007-05-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

Well, last week we were wiped out from Wednesday’s funeral for Chris’ half-brother, Bruce. Saturday morning, we get a phone call from Chris’ mom. His stepsister, Lisa, had been found dead on Friday afternoon of heart failure. She was only 47.

I had never met Lisa, but - according to Chris - she had a heart condition for sometime, was depressed and was over 300 lbs. Not that she deserved it, but Chris said, "Hopefully, she's at peace now because she was so unhappy alive."

Then, no joke, the very SAME DAY, maybe 20 minutes later at the most... Chris’ estranged tweaker cousin, Cheyenne, stopped by our house. She is wanted in Nevada for grand theft and assault. Back in February, her and her ex-con husband had robbed her mom (Chris’ aunt who had adopted her at birth) and pistol-whipped her dad. They then proceeded to wiped out the family’s safe, stealing over $60k in cash and his prized gun collection, and then went on the lam.

She showed up on our doorstep, but the dogs were acting weird, especially, Joey the beagle. He was freaking out and, instead of trying to rush the person to jump up and down to get petted and licked, he instead kept jumping up and slamming the door. When she finally left, and I called Chris – who then called 911. They instructed me to run around, lock all the doors and windows, grab the dogs and hide – far from windows or doors. They then showed up to take a statement, and keep me company, in case they came back.

Chris and his cousin, her brother, went looking for her – and found her in Cypress at her husband’s family house. Apparently he was caught last week and was in jail. They searched her, her car and called Cypress PD to the scene. They found knives with her, two in her pocket. Cypress PD showed up to arbitrate the situation.

Cypress PD said I was really lucky and that Joey saved my life. The way she was standing at the door when I answered it, they said she was more than likely to rush the door and barrel her way in, possibly hurting me, the dogs and then robbing us. Chris was supposed to go on a work trip Saturday through Sunday, but his boss let him cancel so he could stay home.

After all of this, I made my way to the birthday party I was supposed to be at… and proceeded to drink Smirnoff. It was just nice to be surrounded by my friends. They're so comforting. It was so nice to have them there.

Then yesterday, we found out one of Chris’ buddies from high school – that we see almost every Friday – his dad suffered congestive heart failure.

Now, I just found out that I didn’t get the Disney job I had thought I nailed.

I’m just having a really hard time right now. It’s hard to have faith when things keep going wrong, you know?

as hokey as it may seem, this hits the nail on the head...

2007-05-29T11:51:00.001-07:00

Taurus (April 19 - May 19)

It could be that you have been losing faith in your dreams and fantasies lately, dear Taurus. Now is the time to refocus on what you want and move forward with confidence. You have done enough reflecting and reviewing. Now is the time to implement and create. Dream big and don't let others stand in the way of your progress. Today's shift may be subtle, but it should indicate smooth sailing for the next few weeks.

Here's hoping...

[insert heavy sigh here]

2007-05-21T16:07:00.000-07:00

Friday was the longest day in a very, very long time.

3 a.m: Chris'half-brother Bruce was missing. His eldest son, Shaun, was calling to find out if we had heard from him, because it wasn't like him to not come home or not check-in. He had gone out to East LA from Chino Hills to teach a class at one of his auto body shops. Chris says no, the last time he had talked to him was in the afternoon as he sat in traffic. So, Bruce's family filed a missing person's report in order to get the GPS tracking locators turned on to find him.

We laid in bed. Wondering. Hoping. Wishing that Bruce had pulled over somewhere to catch some sleep. That he wasn't carjacked. Robbed. Anything.

5 a.m.: We get the phone call. Bruce's body has turned up in the El Monte morgue. He had suffered a massive heart attack. He had an ID on him, but no contact numbers to notify the family.

We took off around to Chino to be with the family. It was surreal. We got to the house, Teri (his wife) was surrounded by her sisters, friends and their 10-year-old daughter, Jessica. Shaun was dragged out by his friends to get some food, since they had been driving all night searching for his dad. AJ, their 6-year-old, was still asleep.

The most heart-wrenching thing was when AJ got up and came downstairs. He immediately ran towards Chris and jumped into his arms. Then he looked around and realized everyone was there and said out loud, "Is today a holiday? Can I stay home please, Mom? Is it a no school day?" Teri then asked Chris if he could tell him, and me, Jess and Shaun would go with him for support. I would die happy if I never have to hear or see a 6-year old's face again that hears that his dad isn't coming home. It broke my heart to see his face, hear him cry out, "nooooo, not daddy, why? why?"and to watch him crumple into Chris' arms.

He didn't smoke. He didn't drink. His personality was so big, and his love of life and everything in it was bigger.

Why, God?

To resonate...

2007-03-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever come across something that you read/skim/think about... and it just really resonates with you? It's not big secret that I'm a fan of John Mayer, especially his bluesmanship, but of his writing, too. He blogs a bunch of different places... sometimes funny, sometimes obscure... but all witty... Here's my favorite entry... I hope you enjoy it.

...
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2006
CHANGE
I've been thinking about something lately.
Imagine this:
You're on an airplane, sleeping with your head against the window, your heart set on being home this time three hours from now. All of a sudden, something goes very wrong. The plane stops moving across the air and instead starts falling through it. The lights are flickering and the movie is skipping. The plane dips hundreds of feet in seconds, and the yellow cups fall from the ceiling. They're a brighter shade of yellow than you remember, because unlike the demonstration, these cups have never been handled before. "Flight attendants take your seats now", you hear, the pilot's voice trembling over a cacophony of alert tones. You get that smell in the bridge of your nose like you've just been hit with a football. That's what the fear smells like. The plane is going down.
Four more drastic drops in under a minute. People are crying. For all the folklore about how your life flashes before your eyes, you're remarkably fixed on one vision - your parents. They're sleeping at this very moment, in a bedroom so quiet they can hear the clock in the kitchen. And you can see them, clear as can be. You wish you could see a playground or a first kiss, but all you can see is your parents sleeping. Huh. Well, that's that.
Several long minutes go by. Then, all at once, the lights come back on and the plane somehow rights itself. Some people cheer, but most people cry harder. The plane lands about an hour later, and as soon as you feel that touch down - hell, even when you were within 50 feet of the ground and could still technically survive a fall - you realize that however you brokered the deal between you and God worked; you've just been granted life in overtime.
Here's the question: what do you change? Whom do you call that you haven't spoken to in years? Whom do you realize has been toxic to your heart and drop with surprising ease? What trips do you cancel, and what trips do you book? What can't you be bothered with anymore? What's the new you like?
Think about that, and then ask one more question. Why not just change it all right now?
(Working on it...)POSTED BY JOHN MAYER AT 04:48 AM FROM SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA

Judgement

2007-02-05T16:48:00.000-08:00

You know what I can't stand. People who pass judgement.

Don't get me wrong, I know I've done it, I try not to do it, and when I do - I'll admit that it was wrong for me to do it.. But me personally - I'm a big believer in the whole "live and let live." I extend philosophy to those I meet, and I wish people would extend the same courtsey.

But how is it in less than 24 hrs, I've had two women tell me that it's a sin living with someone I love without marriage, or to even ponder having kids before marriage. Especially when these two women haven't necessarily been Virgin Marys all their lives... AND then they throw what I do for a living, as if I'm supposed to jump on the bandwagon of marriage just because I've becoming more religious, than sometimes I can handle?

It's hard enough for anyone to be who they truly are, but seriously folks, if you've got the time to pass judgement... I'll be more than happy to help you examine your lifestyle, before you criticize mine.

*hops off the soapbox*

--
(btw, i totally know i haven't been here for months. lots of fun stuff in the middle. i promise to catch you guys up soon.)

Gobble gobble, baby!!

2006-11-23T09:07:00.001-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your loved ones...

My Uncle James

2006-10-18T19:04:00.000-07:00

Did ya know? I'm Filipina. (like you would know, I don't think I've talked about my ethnicity before...)

Anyways, in the Filipino community, you tend to call other fellow Filipinos that you're tight with - "family." So after awhile, you tend to amass numerous "cousins", "uncles," "aunties"... you get the picture. Throw a handful of "Moms," "Pops", and "Grandmas"... and you pretty much covered multiple families. Then everyone proceeds to get to know everyone's business, good or bad. But they are still the people you learn you can count on, regardless of blood relations or not.

Now, it's turn for you to meet some family. Meet my Uncle James. My friend Babe's uncle. Babe was like my Filipina best friend in high school. I was ALWAYS at hers or her grandmas, or her aunt & uncle's house across the street. We were always laughing and getting into all sorts of funny adventures. Back to Uncle James... he's so cool and so scary at the same time. I remember he had bit of a reputation to be a hard a**, but it was because he truly believes in you and he always knew that you can be better. He coaches, plays, and just loves basketball.

Anyways, he's one of the strongest men I've ever known. He, just recently, had a stroke. He's on the road to recovery, and started a blog to give updates to the people who care and most importantly, to have something to practice his speech. People are highly encouraged by the family to leave any comments, funny memories or just words for inspiration to Uncle James. So he can keep on, keepin' on. (Word on the street is that he's a real trooper and kicking recovery time's a**. But then again, I never had a doubt that he couldn't.)

So, when you feel like doing a good deed, check out this site and leave a little a little note:
My Uncle James

WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL??

2006-10-13T12:35:00.000-07:00

How is it, I stop blogging for just a couple of days - and I come back and there's 3 MORE posts that I never wrote about soccer and whatever else??

HEY RANDOM BLOGGER... SET UP YOUR OWN DAMN BLOG.

That wasn't me.

2006-10-09T10:42:00.000-07:00

Apologies to anyone who happen to catch the "ejaculate" post. That WASN'T me.

I have NO idea how someone broke into my blogger account.

And good lord, WHY?

thank you.

2006-10-07T09:04:00.000-07:00

to my pal anthony who rehashed high school last night on the phone driving home from work.

thanks for reminding me that i have mojo.

*mwuah*

I've come to a conclusion...

2006-10-06T15:31:00.000-07:00

...that I must've been either pretty ugly in high school or I've aged like a fine wine.

MySpace the phenom has that uncanny ability to connect you to people that you haven't heard from in years. some you actually, never planned on hearing from again. but in the past year or two, i've been "found" by people in high school. mind you, i don't really talk to anyone from high school, much anymore - except for the few i still maintain friendships with.

Anyways, some backstory... in high school, i was 50+ lighter, long curly hair, involved in everything. When I mean everything, I mean EVERYthing. There wasn't an activity I wasn't involved in. Plus, I was in the honors classes, an active in ASB, volunteering, etc. etc. I was all over the place. I even got an award for being "Mater Dei Personified" or something like that. Now, I realize I'm fully sounding off the "Nerd Alert", but seriously - that was you just did at Mater Dei. You joined. You made friends. You did it in the name of looking like the bright shining star on your college apps.

Now, because I was involved with alot, I knew alot of people. BUT, I wouldn't have considered myself popular - more like friendly, and that I had a lot of friends. With that in mind, I also had alot of crushes. But, because of the way I looked like or maybe the person I was, it was constantly told, "Oh, I like you, but not in that way.", "Can we just be friends?" or my personal favorite, "Oh, I've just always thought of you as a sister." Blows to my fragile, high school girl ego left and right. My guy friends that I secretly crushed on dated my girlfriends. The older guys thought I was "cute" but I was "Eric's little sister." It was like banging my head against the wall. Reality was the only boys that would ask me out, were either from public high school or they were older (like I went out with a graduated senior when I was a sophmore). I was the girl that wasn't going to the dances until I asked someone out. Or I just didn't go at all. And then when I was asked the next day, why I wasn't at the dance, I'd have to reply, "Um, that's because no one asked me." Then of course, I'd get the pity "Oh, I would've asked you but I thought you were already going..." blah blah blah. It wasn't until my senior year when someone from my school asked me out - I should've known I would've had a chance with him, because he was new to our class! Then after that quickly fizzled, I was asked out by a junior and ended up dating him until we broke up that summer...

To bring it back to today, something must've changed in college. Maybe what society had deemed as pretty, maybe because I didn't care so much about what my classmates thought anymore, but something changed. My ten-year reunion, I dragged my best gay pal to amuse me, slipped on a dress that I knew worked, and proceeded to crash it. (I refused to pony up $80 to get in.) Crashing it was not a problem, the girl working the door recognized me and people were calling my name from inside - so she ushered me in after a quick "hello" and a hug. (I don't think she realized I didn't pay.) Anywhoo, got inside and mingled my ass off. Everyone look like they had gained weight, dragged their bored spouse, balding... granted, I had put on weight, but I was feeling pretty damn good. (That and having a hot "date" worked, too!) Saw my friend Shannon, got some sweet revenge on a guy that I had had a crush on by pretending to not remember his name - but he rushed up to me and gave me a hug. And weirdly enough, one of the unattainable boys of my time, came up to me and made small talk. It was SO surreal. I lusted after this guy, and he would barely glance at me. Wouldn't you know, 10 years later, he's cornering me at the bar, trying to convince me to go upstairs. HUGE HUGE HUGE points for my inner high schooler that wished the boys would've looked at her!

Geeeez, back to MySpace. So, last year, another boy that all the girls had a crush on, got wind of me on site and was flirtatious as all hell to meet up for a drink. We did and ended up, sleeping together, drinking together for a good month last summer. I was surprised at the pull... without any effort no less! Then another guy, hit me up - I said no... and then another one, and then I said no again... Months have passed by, and now another boy I had a crush on is COMPLETELY riding me to meet up for a drink. (No worries, dear readers, I love my Chris.)

Really, why now? What I that bad in high school or is it because I just don't care anymore? Have I aged like a wine?

Screw it, I wanna be a super dirty, downright filthy martini.

bachelorette party, part II - the email

2006-10-04T12:41:00.000-07:00

"I just tried to call you back. Work is really stressful right now. So you have my permission to plan what you and margrette agree on or if you want, email your ideas and I'll let you know. You sounded pretty annoyed on the voicemail and I didn't want the party to come down to that. I'm not expecting much and I'm easy to please. I just wanted to know if something as major as location change took place that I should probably know, in case my friends have questions."

What the hell? Are you serious? Why should Margrette get the say when I'M the one paying for it? F*ck it. I don't want to plan the party anymore. I have a book that I have to start writing and tv footage I'm supposed to be reviewing.

Margrette could be the Maid of Honor (or Matron) 'cause I really don't give a sh*t anymore.

what the f*ck.

2006-10-04T10:48:00.000-07:00

i'm so annoyed.

i'm trying to plan my sister's bachelorette party. if it's not girls/gay boys calling me to ask me why THAT weekend, my sister's refusal to give me input because she wants it to be a surprise - but she sure as hell has no problem telling our cousin margrette what she wants and doesn't want, or money... i swear, this is why i don't plan parties or events for people I actually know. you're more apt to wanting to kill a relative than a stranger.

original plan as of 10/2: cocktails, dinner, dessert, games, and strippers.
suggested plan as of 10/3: cocktails, dinner, dessert, games, strippers, and then party bus to LA for clubbing
suggested plan as of 10/4: cocktails, dinner, dessert, games, party bus to LA for strippers and clubbing.

WHAT THE HELL! Doesn't anyone realize that this all comes down to MONEY, people???

bridezillas.

wisdom from HH Dalai Lama

2006-09-26T16:27:00.000-07:00

1. attitude is our greatest obstacle. as a society we suffer from extreme self-centeredness, preventing us from reaching our potential.

2. respect others' rights. as social animals, we need to live as a group together. we have the capacity to unite.

3. all religions, all traditions, promote love. forgiveness. contentment. the common message is to elevate human values.

"every human being has some moral obligation, some responsibility to better the world... to save the world.

no wonder he gets a rockstar reception wherever he goes.

look.

2006-09-25T13:00:00.000-07:00

i amuse myself.

Why is it...

2006-09-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

That Forbes’ list of 10 richest people in the U.S. that 5 of them are college dropouts. Bill Gates, there’s a shocker, is #1 – and he dropped out of Harvard.

I’m beginning to think that my degree is completely overrated… *lol*

HA!

2006-09-18T16:49:00.000-07:00

I can blog from both my mobile AND my email.

You can’t escape me.

I may just be on my way to becoming a daily blogger!

Mobile Test

2006-09-18T16:46:00.000-07:00

Testing 1, 2, 3... tap, tap, tap.

denouement.

2006-09-18T12:52:00.000-07:00

"de‧noue‧ment [dey-noo-mahn] –noun
1. the final resolution of the intricacies of a plot, as of a drama or novel.
2. the place in the plot at which this occurs.
3. the outcome or resolution of a doubtful series of occurrences."

He finally came home yesterday - while of course, our house was exploding. And by exploding, I mean the plumbing had literally cause our master bath, master toliet, guest bath and guest toliet to EXPLODE all over the place. (another story. another time.)

Fate reared its ugly head, when I went to pick up my vmail, and heard his instead. We have the same access code, but I accidentally dialed his number. (Don't roll your eyes at me, I did. I nearly jumped his bones when he came home, so I had no suspicion at this point.) I know the girls that called him earlier in the week were our neighbors, because she had called earlier that day to tell me how much fun they had. (Not malicious, she's a sweet girl.) But what I heard was another woman's voice, telling him that his buddy got home and that to give her a call when he gets a chance - and thanks for the wonderful weekend.

I completely lost it.

I came out, guns blazing, screaming at him about the vmail. He then proceeded to tell me it was Barbie - a girl I know about - that had come on the weekend, in hopes of hooking up with his friend Mark. And that there was no way anything was going to happen with him and her, or him and any other women for that matter. Because his aunt is fiercely protective of our relationship, and because - most importantly of all - he wasn't planning to cheat on me, because he wouldn't want to hurt me. "It's not worth it," he said.

All is said and done. He realizes that was an accident - checking his vmail. He apologized for not giving me the rundown of Mark's hookup with Barbie. It didn't occur to him to mention it. we kissed, made up.

He hadn't slept well all vacation. And neither did I while he was gone. But, we finally slept well, together.

...

2006-09-16T20:43:00.000-07:00

my eyes ache.

my head feels heavy.

and my heart hurts.

put the cards on the table.

2006-09-16T10:30:00.000-07:00

just got off the phone with him. we'd been on the phone for almost two hours.

i laid out all the cards on the table. I told him that there's too much good stuff to throw away, but the bad stuff, albeit small in quantity, is BIG. and then i told him, tearfully, i don't know if i want to do this anymore.

he cried. he put his cards on the table, too. he agrees with the good stuff/bad stuff. but started to cry when i said i didn't know about us anymore.

"i'm going to leave for a couple of days," i told him. "to think." he asked me to be there when he got home, and then to see if i still need to go. i agreed that was fair enough, and that i'm being pretty cowardly to take off when he's gone.

we'll just have to see where the day takes us.

time keeps on slippin'...

2006-09-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

it's been a month since i've last blogged. can't believe time has flown by that fast.

i've since quit MM, and now am working for another place. Way better benefits, more money, shorter working hours - and I get to write. it's nice. been busy working on my sister's upcoming nuptials. dropped dress size since june. yey me.

but, do you ever feel like - there's always something that has to be wrong? sounds pretty elementary, I know. hear me out. it's like there's a mental checklist out there. Here are my basic needs: love, health, family, shelter, income, food. for long while it was income and health were my biggest worries. I hated my job, and my health took its toll. now that income, health, shelter, food, and family are all good. love has to go wrong.

we've been fighting for a little over a week now. he's on a boys trip to vegas. he's staying at his aunt's with a buddy. he swears he's committed. i did a girl thing and checked his voicemail. sure enough, a girl had called, left a message, asking him if they were meeting up tonight. (yes, he's got friends in vegas, but still.)

a wise woman once told me to "trust implicitly or doubt complusively."

i love him so much, but i'm not quite sure if this is what I want anymore. it's not that i don't want him. but i don't know if i want to go back to this insecure, doubtful, always wondering state.

when we started dating after he got his divorce, we were dating. not just him and I, but other people as well. but then, last year - when the holidays rolled around, we started getting serious. then we found out we were pregnant, and 6 weeks later, we miscarried. then he asked me to move in on february 16. he said that us being at a valentine's dinner at my actual place at the time made him realize that he didn't want me to come back to my house. he wanted me to make his place, my place, too. then i made him wait 3 days until i gave him my answer.

ever since i've moved in, it's been a committed relationship. but now, with him in vegas. i just don't know.

forgive me father, for I have sinned.

2006-08-17T12:15:00.000-07:00

I just told a WHOPPER of a lie.

I'm a bad person.

I mean a really bad person.

10 Things You Don't Know About Women by Alyssa Milano

2006-08-10T11:33:00.000-07:00

1. Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy.

2. Women produce half the world's food but own only 1 percent of its farmland. So we're ﬁne with you picking up the tab. And after about three thousand dinners at Nobu, we should be even.

3. Women like porn, too. We just hate it when you hide the porn.

4. Women remember everything. Don't believe me? Ask your girlfriend where you met. She won't tell you it was at a party. She'll say it was a Thursday, she had just come from dinner, where she ate a veggie burger, and she was wearing her friend Cathy's pink top, which was big on her because Cathy is a big girl. You were wearing a blue button-down, drinking a Jack and Coke with two straws, and talking to Bill, that mutual friend. She waved and you gave her the "what's up" nod. This still infuriates her. ("How could you give me the nod?")

5. An eyelash curler, while mean and ferocious looking, is not a weapon.

6. No matter how much your woman loves you, there are going to be three to seven days each month when she wants you dead. (She may even quietly fantasize about turning her eyelash curler against you.) You have two options: Tie yourself to a tree and wait out the storm, or stock up at Tiffany's, toss a blue box or two into the wind, and hope for the best. We recommend the latter. (The key chain doesn't count.)

7. We think it's weird when you watch sports and concentrate to help your team.

8. "Hey, Melissa, who's the boss?" Not a good pickup line. "Hey, Phoebe, where'd you park your broomstick?" Not a good pickup line. "Hey, Alyssa, you look 250 pounds lighter than Brian Dennehy in that dress." Surprisingly good pickup line.

9. Women hear better than men. That's before you even factor in listening skills and attention spans. Come to think of it, I should have listed this one ﬁrst because I'm sure I've lost you by now.

10. You may be surprised to know that women were responsible for inventing all of the following: the circular saw, the signal flare, the space suit, the bulletproof vest, and the windshield wiper. You're welcome.

*taken from Esquire magazine

**fun fact: Back in 1993, I had to touch Alyssa Milano's boobs in a makeshift dressing room to help her get a tight shirt on. Jealous? *LOL*

thought for the day.

2006-08-10T11:06:00.000-07:00

had a startling revelation at 4 a.m. this of course, following a HUGE row that chris & i got into this morning.

a wise person once said, "people tell you exactly who they are. the trick is to actually listen."

we're back in a good place now. it took some talking, crying, hugging - but it was worth it.

4th week - have to vent.

2006-08-02T09:28:00.000-07:00

hello hello...

4th week into my leave... and I'm a bit relaxed. Gone is the tingling in my arms. Have a second interview with a great prospect on Friday. Supposed to get a call from another company about setting up an interview.

So, I've settled into a routine where I'm actually relaxed. Yes, I'm a bit bored, but I can't help it - I'm Type A. Here's my peeve though... because I am on this leave, my sister seems to think I don't do anything all day long. So, she's taken the liberty to volunteer me for various family projects. I'm like - WTF? Driving my little brother to LAX, watching my parents' house for the air conditioning guy, take their dog to the vet, etc. etc. Not that I mind - but ASK first, you know? My parents were, "We weren't going to ask you because you're always doing something, but she said you could."

And then she gets upset with me when I ask her to ASK me first. She goes, "What else do you have going on that you can't do that?" I wanted smack the crap out of her.

But I choose not to stress over that. I'm about picking the battles.

DON'T WASTE THE PRETTY.

2006-07-25T14:18:00.000-07:00

3 week into my medical leave - and I'm on cleaning spree! But, I also stumbled upon words of wisdom from relationship guru, Greg Behrendt. So here, dear friends, is some notable advice from Greg...

"You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But... the only way you can find out that there's something better out there is to first believe there's something better out there."

Cheers & Jeers

2006-07-24T12:56:00.000-07:00

Just got back from doctor's visit. Am NOT cleared to go back until aug. 7.

Jeers: Blood pressure came down, not as much as it was on Saturday (124/90) but it's somewhat down (148/86). My goal is 110/80. So, they've switched me to different meds.

Cheers: Dropped 2 lbs. :)

Wisdom From A Soul Surfer

2006-07-24T07:58:00.000-07:00

I came across this in the latest Glamour magazine, and thought I'd pass on the wisdom. When Laird Hamilton, incredible big wave surf legend, was asked what three things guys wish women learned growning up, he responded that he was teaching his daughters the following:

1. Your love is precious. Don't give it to someone undeserving.
2. You can't rescue a man; he has to be happy on his own before you can be happy together.
3. And you're not Cinderella, so don't think you need a man to rescue you.

Now if we could just pass this on to every women, I think we'd all be much happier.

progress...

2006-07-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

it is amazing how my boss can still cause me to have an anxiety attack under 30 minutes and i haven't see her in a week.

1 week down. 1 week to go.

2006-07-18T08:15:00.000-07:00

I've officially been on leave for a week now and I've been one helluva rollercoaster to live with - just ask C. I've been angry, frustrated, and bored out of my mind. I've been restless, unfocused and moody.

Today is a new start.

Made it to the gym at 4 a.m. Feel good - got in a hour and half of cardio. Ate breakfast of egg whites and toast. Working on cleaning up the home office. Got an interview at 2 p.m. and determined to kick-ASS at it.

p.s. - had a nightmare that I went BACK to work. I think that's been by far the most frightening thing that I've dreamt in months!

to leave.

2006-07-12T09:53:00.000-07:00

I'm officially on medical leave.

I went to my doctor's yesterday to pick up a note documenting my history of asthma. Because, you know, Money Mailer didn't believe me and wanted more documentation than what I had already submitted in December. Well, he did the usual check up (questions, took my temp, etc) and then flipped out. My blood pressure is 190/120. He retook it 2 more times, and asked me what was going on. That's when I broke down crying - telling him about my sleepless but nightmare-filled nights, my anxiety attacks, my short-fused anger, the miscarriage, my stress... and then he recounted with, "Well, at this point, you're the perfect candidate for a heart attack, and you're only 32 with no prior history of high blood pressure until this year." He ordered me to stress leave immediately for two weeks, along with blood pressure medication for three weeks. He wants me to use this time to relax, have fun and most importantly, get another job.

He actually told me, "Christine, you need to breathe."

enough

2006-07-03T14:19:00.000-07:00

“But when you get to the point where you feel like you’re owed the paycheck, it’s time to look for something else.” – Maxine Clark

bored.

2006-06-21T11:30:00.000-07:00

So, I’m back in the office after a busy month of training weeks and traveling.

Now everyone is out on vacation.

I hate this job. So, much that I’m going to do a phone interview in a couple of minutes.

I have a load of work to do, deadlines and no motivation.

I’m trapped in hell.

anger

2006-06-12T14:34:00.000-07:00

I wasn’t really going to discuss it, but I did something last week – that really upset me. I was having an incredibly crap Wednesday – the training week, the director I was dealing with, working long hours, etc. I finally get off of work, it’s blazing humid outside, and I realize I need gas to make it home. Just another irritation - $3.27/gal, and I have a 15 gal tank, dangit. There goes another $50.

So, there I am - at the gas station (Arco @ Trask & Brookhurst) and a truck full of day-laborers pulls up next to me. Not that I’m hot or anything, but the cat-calls start, making me more edgy. Then I turn around and see a guy pumping MY gas into HIS car! At Arco, there’s a communal pay station, and you punch in the pump you want to use. He straight starting pumping MY gas into HIS car! So, I confront him by saying, “Excuse me! I paid for that gas!! You’re stealing my gas!” He looks at me funny and says, “No. I paid for this.” And I start yelling, “You’re stealing my gas! I paid for the gas!” and he looks at me and says, “No speaka English.” Fuming, I completely lose it, take a step back, and punch him, square on the jaw. He falls backward, and the station attendant comes running out of the booth. He says that he was watching everything and tells the guy to either pay for the gas he took from me, or he’s going to call the cops and have him arrested for stealing gas. The old Asian guy flips out, speaks perfect English and start yelling, “She hit me, she punched me. I want to have her arrested for assault!” My jaw drops, and the attendant says, “No way man! You provoked her! She would’ve never hit if you didn’t steal her gas in the first place!” He fishes out $10 from his pocket, throws it a guy, takes a pic of my car with his car phone, and speeds off. The gas attendant gets me a pack of ice for my hand and bottle of water to drink and apologized profusely for not coming out sooner. He took a pic of the guy’s car as he took off.

I called C, panicked and crying – afraid that I was going to get in trouble for hitting the guy. Moreover, I was more freaked out that my anger had taken itself to the physical level and that I actually hit someone. C had assured me that everything was going to be ok, he was proud of me and that there would be NO way any cop would side with the other guy, considering I decked the guy in pink sweater, black skirt and heels. I was more freaked out that I lost control – getting that aggressive hadn’t happened since high school (I was defending my sister from a guy who was bullying her by punching him in the stomach). I mean, c’mon – the gas-stealing guy was my dad’s age, drove a Volvo. I couldn’t believe he faked not knowing English, and had the damn money in his pocket. C justified it as I’m so Type A, that losing control over my emotions like that has to be scary.

thought for the day.

2006-05-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

Don't doubt yourself today, Christine. Emotionally you should be feeling quite strong, although feelings of inadequacy could sneak into the picture. This could be because you are having trouble understanding issues that seem rather cloudy. Just because things aren't exactly clear doesn't mean that they aren't working out in your best interest. As long as you remain confident that things will come out fine, they will.

o canada, part II

2006-05-12T12:45:00.000-07:00

so sad to go home tomorrow. i love vancouver. i think i love this place more than i did when I first visited back in 1999. i think it's because this time, i'm sharing vancouver with someone i love. back in 99, i came by myself, met up with some online pals, and checked off a task on my life's to-do list (visit another country, by myself.) despite fighting a sinus cold since wednesday night, i am still having a wonderful time.

last night, as c and i were walking to our hotel room. he turned to me and said, "you know, i don't know how else to say this, but you're the first girl i've been with that i love more and more each day. just when i think you've stopped growing on me, you find another way. i've never been this way before - been with someone that i love and appreciate more and more every single day." i was floored, and some lame attempt at humor said, "what usually happens?" and he said, "it's like i reach my point, and then the interest teeters off. but with you, and all the years of knowing and loving you, i can't imagine my life without you, ever." i just about melting all over the hotel hallway. nothing could describe my happiness at that point. it just made our holiday all the more memorable and lovely.

today, checking out the vancouver museum. will post pics when i figure out what's wrong with my geocities account.

xox,
C

Hooray! Hooray!

2006-05-07T03:13:00.000-07:00

It's vacation time, today!!

Can you believe it??

I'm actually taking a vacation!

We're headed to lovely Vancouver, BC in about 2 hours!

So excited! Will post from BC soon.

xox,
C

ahh... 4-20

2006-04-20T09:44:00.001-07:00

happy 420 day to all those who celebrate it... and in honor of such a day, a treat for you!

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Karma

2006-04-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

“People pay for what they do, and still more, for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it simply: by the lives they lead.”
— Edith Wharton, American novelist (1862-1937), from The Age of Innocence

I just spent $15.15 to trying to make up for some possibly bad karma. What did I do, you ask?

Well, my girlfriend at work and I decided to see if her best friend’s boyfriend was cheating on her. So, taking an idea from KIIS-FM (don’t hate), we decided to pull a “Ryan’s Roses” on her beau. “Ryan’s Roses” is Ryan Seacrest’s (again, don’t hate) way of busting unsuspecting boyfriends/husbands/lovers. What they do is they give a call to the suspect, pretend to be a brand new flower shop that just opened up and telling them that they won 1 dozen roses, free delivery, anywhere they chose. The object of the game is for them to fess up the intended’s name and message. 80% of the time on the radio, they bust the suspect (sad statistics, isn’t it?) on cheating on their other half.

We conspired yesterday to bust R’s boyfriend by pulling a “Ryan’s Roses.” We call up G; tell him that he won roses and where can we send them. He gives me his address to send them to HIS MOTHER with the message that, “I love you, Mom.” He then proceeds to tell me that his mom has been going through a tough time, and that he just wants to tell her that he loves her. God, I start to feel like crap. He actually sounded sincere and nice.

T calls me first thing in the a.m. to tell me that we’re completely burning in hell. Turns out his GRANDMOTHER just passed on Wednesday and his mother is mourning. That’s why he chose to send the flowers to his mom instead of R.

So, we just bought them a dozen roses to be delivered today. Spend $45 bucks. All I can hear are those immortal words of Earl Hickey…

Earl: Karma. You gotta love it!

feeling uber-guilty

2006-03-09T14:10:00.000-08:00

(excuse the mindless ramblings…)

So. I’ve been modifying my diet (I hate the word “diet”). Cut out carbs, eating salads twice a day, eating every couple of hours to keep my metabolism up.

I’ve been stressed out lately – cheating 3 days in a row – by eating some type of bread product.

But lately, people have been coming up to me telling me that I’ve lost weight, what have I been doing… so now… I’m back on the wagon.

Silly that I blog about this, maybe it’s because I’ve become OCD about food.

oh. so. true.

2006-03-09T08:11:00.000-08:00

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)

Although you are rather optimistic now, there is a serious streak that also finds its way to the surface. You aren't willing to set aside your fears, for they are based on very real patterns from your past. To blindly deny them would be dangerous. At the same time, however, recognize that the current situation is not the same as old ones. And the biggest difference just may be your increased awareness.

thought for the day

2006-03-06T09:59:00.000-08:00

“Don’t be afraid that your life will end.

Be afraid that it will never begin.”

-Grace Hansen

have to tell someone!

2006-03-02T09:33:00.000-08:00

Just discovered one of the ladies I work with… was in THREE of Rick James’ videos as the token hottie.

Awesome. Simply awesome.

Please kill me now.

2006-02-28T07:58:00.000-08:00

OMG. I am so angry. I hate my job.

It’s not even 8 a.m. and I already want to kill myself.

Why is it, the incompetent ones are the ones with the power?

O Canada!

2006-02-24T16:16:00.000-08:00

There is something incredibly wrong with this country when…

We’ve got a President who thinks it’s okay for the UAE to control 5 of our major ports of entry.

A Death Row inmate (convicted of torturing, raping and murdering a 17 year-old with 26 bashes to her skull) gets his execution HALTED because they fear that lethal injection would be a cruel and unusual punishment. Yeah, because I’m sure the 17 year-old ASKED to be tortured, raped and murdered.

AND…

South Dakota is considering banning nearly ALL abortion in the state, except in case in which it can harm the mother’s life. Therefore, in the situation in which the woman was raped, the rapist now has a say in the unborn child’s life. Once again, because I’m sure the woman asked to be raped.

What the hell is wrong with today’s society?

Anywhere but the US is looking better and better everyday.

"I bend but I do not break."

2006-02-21T10:17:00.000-08:00

Being Twenty-Something…

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that maybe those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.

What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused.

Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better.

Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One-night-stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself...and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

"I bend but I do not break."

times are a-changin'

2006-02-21T10:07:00.000-08:00

They really are.

C has asked me to move in with him. The day after Valentine’s day. Big step for the both of us – being that both of us swore to never to live with a significant other ever again. He’s really excited, and so am I. talked with my roomies, gave them a month’s notice.

Getting our second dog on Saturday, another Corgi. His name is Sammy and he’s adorable. Will post pics.

Wanted to quickly post. Will talk more later.

Kisses!

I'm just sad.

2006-02-13T15:13:00.000-08:00

I haven’t really blogged about it, but I haven’t been feeling good for the past couple of weeks. Nausea, vomiting, exhaustion – all signs pointing to pregnancy, right? Well, it turns out I was – but I miscarried, too.

I know this means it’s a good sign and that I can get pregnant, but I can’t help being sad about what could’ve been.

TRAPPED IN HELL.

2006-02-01T16:57:00.000-08:00

What’s worse?

People thinking that you have all the free time in the world, WHEN YOU DON’T.

-OR-

People thinking that you don’t know how to do your DAMN job.

lovely thought for the day.

2006-01-26T16:27:00.000-08:00

Someone will always be smarter. Their house will be bigger. They will drive a better car. Their children will do better in school. And their partners will fix more things around the house. So let it go and love you and your circumstances. Think about it. The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart. And the most highly favored woman at your job may be unable to have children. The richest woman you know - she's got the car, the house, the clothes - might be heartbreakingly lonely. So, love you. Love who you are right now. Tell yourself, "I am too blessed to be stressed." Be blessed ladies and pass this on to encourage another woman. "To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world." Possibilities and miracles are one and the same. -Anonymous

sooooo true...

2006-01-26T14:43:00.000-08:00

Now that you have gotten a solid grip on your situation, unexpected things may come along that change the rules all over again on you, Christine. It may feel like the chair you just got comfortable in has suddenly been pulled out from under you. Don't get angry; just realize that this is probably a sign that you need to move on. Keep things new and exciting. Share your thoughts and ideas with others.

happy. happy. joy. joy.

2006-01-23T16:30:00.000-08:00

*does a dance*

Haven't had a chance to blog it when I originally received the news, but...

My ultrasound and mammogram checked out negative!

It's all good. No cancer for me! :)

Thank you to all for your concern and well wishes.

the waiting game.

2006-01-14T08:47:00.000-08:00

ok. so i made it throught the ultrasound and mammogram. now, it just have to wait.

3 - 5 days.

waiting.

waiting.

waiting.

not so tough after all.

2006-01-11T16:22:00.000-08:00

yesterday i went to the doctor as a follow-up to my bronchitis for the month of december. lungs checked out great, ears are good, and i even managed to lower my blood pressure. in an effort to get to in good health for 2006, i was so ambitious to schedule a well-woman exam. couldn't do the lower part ('cause my visitor came earlier than expected), but did get the breast exam - due to a scare last year. turns out that sometimes as PMS, you can get a random lump or two, that disappears after the cycle is complete.

didn't pass the breast exam as well as I had hoped. have to go back on friday for an ultrasound. she has some concerns about what she's found - and wants to get one done for a peace of mind.

i am terrified.

p.s. - if you know me in real life, please don't ask me about this just yet. i just want to get this over with. thank you. much loves.

belated, i know but...

2006-01-01T10:40:00.000-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

a wonderful, blissful new year is my wish for you...

cheers. xoxox

YEYs & BOOs

2005-12-29T13:39:00.000-08:00

In an effort to NOT really work today…

Things that ROCK!

Friends, family & loved ones
This time of the year.
3-day weekends

Things that SUCK:

My thankless job
Holiday weight gain. Boo.
Finding out that my Bible-thumping boss STOLE my Christmas presents from my vendors. (I have witnesses.)

So, anyone hiring out there?

a sassy moment.

2005-12-22T10:08:00.000-08:00

forgot to mention...

so, thought i'd get some xmas shopping in with my newfound free time.

cruising around, wearing sunglasses (why? please see the post below. don't want to? picture my face - bright speckled red all over, so bruised around my eyes, eyes completely bloodshot from broken capillaries, no white around my irises AT ALL) pretty much not wanting to send any kids screaming from me, claiming they've seen the devil.

so, roll into Target for my last stop. i realize that it is beginning to get dark outside, but i don't care, i'm almost done with xmas! standing at the register, a girl gets behind me, swinging her pseudo-louis vuitton, smacking me in the back and says very loudly to the guy she's with...

Girl: "Oh GOD! I hate it when people wear their sunglasses indoors. It's so pretentious and they think they're such hot shit."

Me: (turns around, lifts sunglasses and places them on my head) "Ohmigosh! ME TOO! I can't stand that either!"

Girl: (horrified look on her face) "Uh uh uh..."
Guy: (hand over mouth) "Oh my god."

Me: "Yeah, you don't have to stare. I know what I look like. I have my glasses on to avoid stares from people like you."

Cashier laughs, smiles at me and wishes me a great holiday.

things to ponder. (warning: it's kinda gross.)

2005-12-22T09:52:00.000-08:00

i've been sick since tuesday. yes, i know again. and on the advice of my mom, "please keep away from the kids, you're contagious. and your face, it should clear up by xmas." lol. fantastic.

the upside? got all my xmas stuff done. sent out resumes. finally relaxing after a hellish november. laughing at work because if my idiot boss just let me stay home sick orignally for the days i needed to, i would already be better. but since she wouldn't let up with the stupid phone calls everyday, i went back into the office last week. then bam! back home again sick this week...

the downside? apparently, my mom was alarmed that she sent me to another doc to make it official on my records that i was sick, to get my chest/lungs x-rayed and to get tested for pneumonia (tb was ruled out). sunday, i was coughing so hard that i blew out the capillaries in my face and my eyes (so it basically looked like i got beaten to a swollen pulp). my throat was so raw that i was throwing up blood. i was running a 103 fever. (dang, i just thought the weather was beginning to warm up.)

so now, i make a little drug cocktail in the a.m. A fun mix of antibiotics, congestion meds, ibuprofen for the fever and a swig from my double-dosage inhaler. then i continue throughout the day with congestion meds and ibuprofen. and then a swig of inhaler before bed.

c & i concluded i would never make it as a bulimic. my face would give it away. damnit.

you know what's cute?

2005-12-09T16:36:00.000-08:00

we decorated c's house for xmas this year.

he loves to sit in the room, with all the lights off, and just stares at the twinkling tree.

his favorite part of the day is when we're both home from work, sitting on the couch with blankets, just staring at the tree.

for a 39-year old man who wears nothing but black, loves skulls and his harley... i got him to sit down and watch miracle on 34th street (the new version) . he teared up at the scene where the deaf girl is with Santa and said, "man. all it takes is for one scene to make it great."

it is the season to believe.

it's official.

2005-12-09T15:17:00.000-08:00

i am sick.

i've been battling a fun combo of asthma-phlegm/cough-earaches for over a month now. didn't take time off because i had a pre-training week, training week, pre-convention week, and then a convention week to get through. so i've been partially deaf in my left ear due to the earache's fun medicine, coughing up a storm, and sometimes... throwing up, purely phelgm. (I know, like you really wanted to know that.)

Then I was exposed to bronchitis (thanks, nicole!) AND got food poisoning from undercooked chicken or quite possibly just my body rejecting that EVERY meal at convention was either a chicken or a chicken by-product, 3 times a day, for 6 days. (way to go, hyatt!). So not only has my throat gone to crap but so has my stomach, lungs and ears...

i've been out sick from work for the past two days... due to mom/dad's orders... but my stupid boss has been calling and emailing me like it was nothing and asking that I get back to work (nevermind that she took 2 days off after convention to relax - from what, I have no idea). it finally took 2 senior vice presidents (both out sick due to yours truly), two other staffers and a note to both my boss and human resources from my parents stressing that I was contagious and that I was not going to get better until I actually get some rest. Voila! They FINALLY sent me home.

gotta love that job of mine!

i'm back

2005-12-05T09:51:00.000-08:00

hoorah!
i'm back. been working on my company's annual convention-training week-quarterly sales meetings. nothing like pulling 60-70 work weeks for an entire month.

now, i can finally breathe. nothing like getting food poisoning on your last day of convention.

Horoscope for the day...

2005-11-08T07:53:00.000-08:00

C,
With Venus now in a fellow earth sign, you may feel more secure. Even if nothing has changed, you are resting better as you dream of your future with a quiet optimism. Everything may not be fixed overnight, but things are moving, however slowly, in the right direction. Be patient yet determined and you will succeed.

Oooooooooooooh yeah.

2005-11-03T10:26:00.000-08:00

Had wild, porno sex last night.

My god.

Getting hot just thinking about it...

BOOOOOOOOO!

2005-10-31T10:55:00.000-08:00

Happy Halloween!!

Horoscope for the day.

2005-10-28T11:36:00.000-07:00

"C,
No matter how you try, you can't fully control the object of your love without changing it into something different. This is complicated, for you may have to give up some ownership in order to recreate the romance you desire. If the love is truly real, there is no reason to fear additional freedom. If it's not, then it's time to let go."

One of those days...

2005-10-25T15:35:00.000-07:00

The fall is by far, my favorite season. I have no idea why, but it throws me into the mood of reminiscing over past relationships, past experiences, memories… in combination of wanting to stay in bed all day long, snuggling on a cool night with someone…

So I'm at work, trying to not think about how… "pumped" up I am… *wink wink*.. And then I select the "City of Angels" soundtrack - great mix of blues, soul, and mellow rock. Big mistake. LOL.

Stumble upon Paula Cole's "Feelin Love". Forgot what this song does to me, but in my book, this is probably one of the most erotically-charged songs. If not for the lyrics, it would be for her voice and the yearning in her voice.

"You make me feel like a sticky pistil
Leaning into her stamen.
You make me feel like Mr. Sunshine himself.
You make me feel like splendor in the grass where we're rolling
Damn skippy baby
you make me feel like the Amazon's running between my thighs.
You make me feel love
You make me feel like a candy apple all red and horny
You make me feel like I want to be dumb blonde
In a centerfold, the girl next door.
And I would open the door and I'd be all wet

With my tits soaking through this tiny little t-shirt
That I'm wearing and you would open the door
And tie me up to the bed.
You make me feel love
Lover, I don't know who I am
Am I Barry White?
Am I hot inside?
What would I place with your hot conscious
Oh baby babe babe babe
I will be your death the moon light
Take your time
You make me feel love"

my god, take me now...

Forgive me...

2005-10-24T14:53:00.000-07:00

I'm a girl. And I'm about to get all girly on this mutha.
I'm having an incredibly bad *fat* day.
Haven't had sex in a week.
Hate my hair. (mostly my bangs)
Must do something about my horrid double-chin, moonface.

To breathe.

2005-10-17T16:15:00.000-07:00

Things have changed over the course of the week. Things are much more calmer. There's much more laughter in the air.

After writing the earlier blogs of anger and resentment, we talked about him and I. I've always been one to face something head-on, rather than just sulk it away - so we talked about it. Cleared the air, even.

We talked about how the strain of everyday… whether it be being together, working together… things just weren't fun anymore. We needed to take the pressure off and just breathe some new life into the meaning of "us" - to revisit our friendship, the "dating" phase, and in time, it would lead us back to sex, which was such a strained issue before...

And, we really did.

Wednesday was a great date night with my sister and her fiancée, ending with a kiss at the front door. Friday was a great night at my house for one of my roommate's boyfriend's birthday, more kisses. Saturday was a wonderful day. Spent the day out with his friends - his daughter had just turned 1 - and it was an all-day family affair. Lots of hugs, lots of kisses, lots of laughter and smiles all day long. Hung out at night with a friend I hadn't seen in awhile; he did the same. It was just a great day. Sunday, hung out with friends in the morning, and then off to his place for our usual, but incredibly comforting routine.

It was nice getting us back to what we have always been, extraordinary friends with tremendous adoration for each other. It's almost as if we forgot what we had - with the pressures of the everyday. We had to relearn how to just to enjoy each other's company.

And sure enough, it worked… it led us back … last night. ;)

A meaningful message written by George Carlin

2005-10-14T17:00:00.000-07:00

"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.

A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

For the new reader...

2005-10-14T16:06:00.000-07:00

… who don't quite get what the title of my blog means...

"drinks and amusements to follow."

read this on an invite once. thought the mere sentence was brilliant.

you're prolly scratching your head and saying, "are you kidding me? it's just a sentence."

but it isn't.

it is the promise that the best is yet to come.

tired of being angry.

2005-10-14T06:25:00.000-07:00

So, if you talked in me in real life, you know I've been sleepless for almost a week now. I've definitely had a lot on my mind - even if I haven't really discussed it... but after another sleepless night... I think I've hit a point of clarity. Or deliria.

I'm tired of being angry. But with that, I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being frustrated and hurt. I'm tired of being upset. I'm tired of all the lies and deceit. I'm sick of having to play by someone's rules in order to be with them. I'm tired of a relationship with too many strings and in actuality, it's not a real relationship when really, it just benefits someone else and that person isn't me. The only casuality of ending this relationship is not having sex anymore - but it's been complete crap that last couple of times, I'm not going to miss having the lousy sex. Besides, I'm not the only woman he's sleeping with, (which I was reminded of on Friday), no one loses with me ending this relationship.

Slowly, things have changed. Everything happens for a reason, but I think I would reason the instinctive actions in my heart to get it to understand. But I'm tired of it all, and I'm just going to take care of me from now on.

heart-breaking.

2005-10-13T22:47:00.000-07:00

i'm starting to think that i'm at the beginning to an end.

the times i've told c that i want our relationship to end, in order to save our friendship - i get hit with tremendous protest and lots of talks over and over to work things out. i love him so, but i don't know if i can keep going through this cycle. and now that the sex has gone to complete sh*t, really - what is the difference between friendship and a relationship w/o sex.

i think i should just start to step back, fade away. i know it's something that can't happen overnight, because he is my best friend. but in awhile, i feel like this is the only way i can keep my heart from breaking to pieces.

i don't know if i'm just getting out before i get really hurt, or if i should stay and run the risk.

i guess i need something, something i can truly believe in - a sign, a ray of hope, anything - to keep my hope alive.

Funk

2005-10-13T14:13:00.000-07:00

I've concluded I'm in a funk.
Yesterday, one of my bosses throws me under the bus to cover another boss' a**. I confront her, and she tells me - "that we have to protect her…". Bullsh*t! At my expense? You must be joking! I then go outside with my friends to go to lunch, and I'm told that my car, parked in FRONT of work, was hit by another car - and the driver took off. I concluded today is going to be yet another sucky day, get into my friend's car and look down, and I've broken a nail. On top of 5 days of no sleep, I was a raging b*tch.

I come home, trying to make plans for dinner… and no one's answering their phones! ARGGGGGGGGGGGH! To let off steam, I decide to vibe it out. I CAN'T EVEN MAKE MYSELF CUM, G*DDAMNIT! OMG!! I can't even get that done!!

C shows up to pick me up for dinner with my sister and her fiance. I go to call her, and I realize my phone has NO signal. We end up having a great time with them. We laughed a lot - which hasn't been working in our favor lately. Good food, good friends - made the whole day much better.

We drive home. It's past 10, C says he's not going to come in - he's going to head home to bed. But then, out of the ordinary - he gets out of the car as I'm getting out. I ask him what he's doing and he says, "Walking you to the door to say goodnight." And I laugh, because it dawns on me, that he's never done it. Not because he didn't want to, but we've never had a situation where he was saying goodnight to me on my porch. He takes me in his arms, and really kisses me. Like, I get that old familiar feeling - despite the bad sex, arguments, lack of sleep - and all I can say is, "Wow. That's how you kiss at the end of a date? No wonder the girls always call you back for another." He says, "Oh shuuudup." and smiles. I smile back.

We're making progress. I still have some hope. I know I do. I finally slept last night.
And it was lovely.

2005-10-12T16:36:00.000-07:00

What's with "I don't date Latina women. Too much hassle."

YET…

Stephanie Martinez
Elizabeth Martinez
Dawn Rivas

There's a pattern if I ever saw one.

what happened?

2005-10-11T00:56:00.000-07:00

i realize that the more time you spend on dwelling on a guy, the more you're telling yourself that your own needs are not that important.

but let me tell you... the self-esteem takes an enornomous blow when you get to a point where you actually have to say out loud, "Um. I hate to ask this, but can we have sex sometime today?" i've realized that i'm actually ASKING for sex.

what the hell happened?

what happened to the fireworks? the passion? the kissing until you get soaking wet you're practically dripping down your inner thighs, hands caressing all over with an intense erotic urgency, getting pushed up against a wall or onto a bed, and your clothes can't come off fast enough? do you get reduced to "Um. Can we have sex sometime soon?"

is this what happens to relationships?

we finally had sex after two-week drought. it was terrible. the foreplay was emotionless. the sex was robotic. i ended up throwing in the towel because it just wasn't happening. he was shocked that the sex didn't happen. i can't fake it though. did that for 3 years in a previous relationship, and swore to never do it again.

he was upset.

i told him that maybe i've just gotten used to my vibe to make him feel better.

then he said, "well, this is just another reason why we should have sex again. to negate this one."

i had to laugh. because i realized, i'm not sure if i want to have a go at it again.

Sex

2005-10-06T16:09:00.000-07:00

(It's been awhile… and I promise to write something of significance later.)
But I have to vent somewhere. Before I go insane.
I am so incredibly horny right now. It's pathetic. I haven't had sex since last Monday.
I'm going to break out the toys as soon as I get home from work goddamnit.
*AAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH*

lessons i've been re-learning...

2005-09-21T13:26:00.000-07:00

...over the past couple of days.

sometimes, all you can do is listen. even the silence conveys a message.

if you truly love someone, tell them. it is a wonderful thing to be loved.

life's too short to dwell on little things.

love unconditionally, forgive completely.

trust implicitly or doubt compulsively. (thanks, quel.)

jealously gets you nowhere. (thanks again, quel.)

your best friends will let you down, but you have to learn to forgive and then let it go in order to grow.

even superman has an off day. let him have his day, weeks, etc.

and most importantly, when someone's about to give up, but you refuse to give up on them, tell them. sometimes, people have to be reminded that they matter to someone.

joy.

2005-09-08T11:26:00.000-07:00

haven't blogged in ages.

great news though...

1. My baby sis, J... just got engaged to her boyfriend of 15 years! YEY!! Relax, kids... they've been dating since they were 13.. and they're finally taking the big step.

2. Love really does work its wonders. Q's baby sis, Ange... has realized how much she can't do without her best friend (and her son's father) Reu.. and he feels the same way. They will be getting married soon, too!!

3. Got back from the best vacation ever with C. It was amazing. Durango, CO is just heaven. And our time together... was just... I love him. Just that. I love him, completely.

The future is so bright with possibilities.

hope springs eternal.

happily ever after? really?

2005-08-29T23:15:00.000-07:00

today, my baby sister got engaged. YEY!!! after 15 years of going out with him, 2 breakups, and moving into their own home just this past year, he finally proposed.

i'm so happy for her. it's about time. i mean really, we were all beginning to wonder why he hadn't popped the question. i couldn't believe it. she was going to get married.

and then it hit me - she found her one. she found the someone that she wants to be with for the rest of her life, and he loves her so much - that he asked her to be a part of his. it was a surreal mix of happiness, and sadness all at the same time. so happy that they found each other, and pure saddness that I wonder if he's out there for me too.

as i lay in bed with my best guy friend, i break down into tears about how i feel. he thinks what we have is pretty great. that we have plans for the future. that we plan on being in each others' lives for as long as we live. that we love each other - just as much as we did when we first met.

but we're in different circumstances, remember? he just finalized his divorce from a bad marriage. i want to have someone to love and adore me forever, but scared to death about getting that feeling of being stuck in someone else's cage.

is it possible that cyncism is slowly eating away at my hope?

that i'm beginning to not believe the whole "happily ever after."

that kiss.

2005-08-16T14:06:00.000-07:00

"That thing. That moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person. And you realize that that person is the only person you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift, and you wanna laugh, and you wanna cry... 'cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that it'll go away all at the same time."

mr. big

2005-08-15T11:58:00.000-07:00

I told him that the only thing that changes is the sex. our friendship will still be in tact. and that I don't love him any less. and i will still be affectionate. just no more sex, the possibilities or the idea of sex.

I just said it's not fair. to have him half way. and that everytime i meet someone, someone I can possibly have a relationship with - i do the same thing everytime - I compare them to him. always. when things are good with another person, when things are bad with another person - i always compare them to him. It's always been him.

he's my mr. big.

sad

2005-08-15T11:54:00.000-07:00

Even though I don't know if I really want a relationship or not, I'm not happy with C and the possibilities of him sleeping with other women. I know he's talking to other women, and nothing's really come of it - or so he says - but it is really bothering me that we haven't had sex in three weeks.

So I told him, that we should just be friends, even if for right now. I told him because I hate wondering if he's sleeping with other girls, and that's why he's not sleeping with me. Or if I'm bad in bed. Or if I'm not attractive enough to sleep with. Or if he just really doesn't sleep with me. I don't like having to coerce someone to sleep with me. I want someone to want to sleep with me. I joked with him this a.m. while we were cuddling, "Thanks for yesterday, it was really nice to see you - despite all this g-rated snuggling." He laughed and said, "G-rated? Here, I can make it x-rated." and pulled down his pants. So I looked at him and said, "That's all I get?" And he said, "Sure, hop on." And I smacked him and said, "Whatever. I have to do everything." And he just laughed. That's when it hit me - I have to do it all.. and I'm tired of it. I think that's why I liked sleeping with Dan, because he has the throw down. But even he doesn't pan out. Chris and I have become just affectionate friends - we're not even friends with benefits.

C isn't handling the news very well. He was like, "You are #1 in my life." And I said, "This takes the sex edge off, C. Now every time we hang out, I won't be hoping we get to sleep together - and not - and then getting let down. The pressure is off."

I am gloomy.
Like the weather.

i finally did it.

2005-08-15T11:35:00.000-07:00

i ended it.

it's done.

my heart hurts.

secrets to a happy relationship?

2005-08-04T16:38:00.000-07:00

so. i think that kate hudson, as adorable as she may be, was overrated.

but her comments in a recent interview have struck a cord.

she's been happily married (or at least it is perceived that way) to chris robinson for the past 5 years. but she says she is indeed a modern woman, and understands that monogmy is ideal, just not practical.

her solution? she tells her husband, "just don't get caught."

modern-day marriage, ya think?

My response to the disgruntled reader...

2005-08-04T10:26:00.000-07:00

...who called me an "asian whore."

I can only reply in those famous words from the illustrious Greg Behrendt...

"You don't know the magic I'm bringing..."

(check his sweet a** out... http://www.gregbehrendt.com)

ha! I can blog from work...

2005-08-04T09:06:00.000-07:00

oh happy day. :)

2005-08-04T09:01:00.000-07:00

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